letters from the heart

Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since you moved out. I have only spent a few hours at a time with you since then, except for the day we celebrated Thanksgiving. I’m so, so tired of spending 3 hours with you, or the night while we’re sleeping. I want to be with you, and spend time with you. I miss you, and I miss being together.

I cried for the first week, after you moved out. I had no idea there were so many tears in my body. And then, I was okay. I still cried everyday, it was still extremely difficult and I was still heartbroken. We got in fights, we had days where I couldn’t even talk to you or look at you. It’s been obvious that our relationship has changed. And then I went almost a week without crying. But two nights ago, we had a talk and you said that you’re doubting yourself. You’re not the same person you were when we started dating, and you don’t know how to make yourself happy, or make me happy. And you just don’t know what to do right now.

The pain I felt when I read that is unexplainable. I felt like my heart was being cut in half. I have never been hurt so much, by ANYTHING that has happened in my life, than in this past month.

I gave you everything; all of me, all of my heart. And I expected it not to get broken. I had complete trust in you, I loved you with everything that I am. And now, I’m here. It’s so hard to deal with, and now I’ve spent the last 3 days crying again.

Whenever I read something about how happy a couple is, and how perfect they are together, I can’t help but think “I had that.” And now, now it’s completely different. What happened to us? I want the old ‘us’ back. I want to feel happy again, like I was before. I had everything I wanted, with you. And now all of that is gone. I don’t know what to do. My heart is breaking over and over, and there is nothing that I can do. I don’t want to lose you, I will fight with everything in me to fix this and make us better. I just hope that it’s possible. I don’t want to be one of those couples who keeps the relationship going just for the sake of being together after so long. I want YOU, and I want you to be able to be happy with me.

I’m one of those people who, when I fall in live, am totally and wholly in love. I don’t care about anything else, that person is the most important thing in  my life. Some people think it’s unhealthy, and maybe it is. But it’s hard for me not to get so caught up and so attached.

My life has extremely painful ways of abruptly showing me this.

Three nights ago, you moved out. It’s for the best, but I haven’t stopped crying.

I have never been so hurt in my entire life, although you are still mine.

There are so many sweet things that you do when I’m feeling stressed or down.

You look me in the eyes and tell me I’m beautiful. Your body sighs so sweetly when you pull me in close. You buy me cozy socks and an assortment of bath products after an especially hard night. You give me back rubs, get cold rags for my forehead. You heat water for tea, and have dinner ready when I get home.

You are so considerate, and it means so much.

I haven’t been on this blog in months. It’s now been over 4 months that we’ve lived together, and over 3 since we got our own apartment. I have known more happiness and frustration in these months, than in my entire life. We drive each other crazy and get on each others nerves like I can not even explain, but I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Living with you is the most satisfying thing I have ever done; being able to see your face every night and every morning is unexplainable… knowing that you are there is so uplifting. Spending my spare moments with you is all that I need. Coming home to a wonderful dinner is amazing, although I can’t stand it when you leave all the dishes around.

There are so many things that you do that drive me crazy, but there are countless and infinite things that make me insane with happiness.

I adore you, as I have for so long, and always will.

I don’t think either of us really understood the intensity of our love until we lived together. And now that we are together, I am constantly amazed by what I feel for you. When I wake up in the morning with you by my side, I am so grateful and so happy. My happiness is immeasurable, and unimaginable. I didn’t know it was possible to love someone so much, to miss someone so much and to be so happy. When you leave for work, or when I leave, I miss you. Although we spend all of our free time together, I miss you when I am not with you. I yearn for you presence, your touch and your kisses. Every moment I am with you is magical. We’ve had our fights and arguments, our stressed out moments and our bad moods…. but we’ve made it through. And with one kiss, one heavy lidded lovely look, my happiness is restored. I love you, with all of me.

I didn’t think it was possible to love another person as much as I do now. And that love is growing everyday, I can feel it. Every morning that I wake up with you by my side, I will love you more. Every moment that I anxiously wait for you to get home; to OUR home, our room, I love you more. I honestly did not know that I was capable of loving someone this much. My heart exists to beat with yours.